Sunday, June 28, 2009

The last time

Today is a sad day. I have gained so much from blogging but I learned today I can't anymore. I am no longer able to keep up with the blogs I was doing. Although I have been able to work through many emotions others who read this have been hurt. That is the last thing I wanted to do. So this is the last bog I am going to post about the feelings I am dealing with.

I have realized today that some of the things I talk about in my blog may hurt some other people. So this is it. I will blog from time to time and give status updates but I will no longer use my blog to help me sort out personal feelings.

I had a conversation with a family member today that quickly turned into hurt feelings. Unfortunately some of the hurt feelings were from things I had blogged about. To this person I am truly sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I used writing out my feelings as therapy. This was a mistake. I realize now using an online forum is unfair to the others involved. I have tried to keep the focus on me and my feelings. I never realized that what I was feeling would affect others the way it has.

Like I said this was never my intention. It is very easy for us to think the Internet provides anonymity it does not. Just because you are behind a keyboard does not give you the right to say whatever you want. i had no clue that so many people read or were effected by my journey. I* do not want to hurt any ones feelings and am sorry to anyone that was hurt by the things I may have said or posted.

I hope all those involved will forgive me for anything I posted that hurt them. I appreciate all those who have read my words and offered encouragement and prayer please continue to offer me up when you say your prayers. I am not going to stop journaling I am going to stop publicly sharing all the things and details I have.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Today was so amazing! My dad went to church with me and we had a great time. I am still slowly working through all the emotions that come with him being here. My church held a concert and night of testimony the two men who spoke were truly amazing. About half way through hearing one of the speakers stories I just broke down. I was crying and my dad was sitting next to me and he just wrapped his arms around me and held me.

After listening to these men speak my dad and I spoke to the leader of the group. These men had touched both of us so much yet they were so excited to hear our story. exactly 2 weeks ago today dad and I found each other. I don't know why God chooses his timing but I know that it is perfect.

I was very angry and bitter before I started attending celebrate recovery. I think I may have had a different attitude towards my dad had he entered my life at any other time. I am working through the 12 steps at CR and I am currently on the forgiveness step. I was making the list of who to ask forgiveness of and who to offer my forgiveness to. It was then that God decided to make it known loud and clear where to start. After 25 years I found my dad. We talked daily after finding each other and began to develop the beginnings of a bond. exactly one week after finding each other my dad came to visit. We are working through all the things him being back brings.

I am so grateful to have been given the chance to get to know him. God had filled the roll of father to the fatherless so completely and now he has given me the chance to meet my earthly father. There are so many emotions that I have been sorting through with this. I feel like I am on a huge roller coaster and sometimes I just want off. Most if the time I am so relieved to be getting this chance.

There are still times where I am angry. I don't know if my life would have been better or worse if my dad would have been here. I choose daily to forgive my father for not being here to protect e from my abuser. Forgiveness is a choice we make. We are not like God and throw our transgressions as far as the east is from the west. So everytime the anger rears its head I stop and choose to forgive rather than focus on my anger. I know now that had I not lived through the nightmare I would not be the woman I am today.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Finding My Place

As I begin to adjust to having my father around I am beginning to wonder where I fit. I am not the daddy's little girl I was when he left. I am finding new questions to be answered. I fond myself wondering how I start a relationship with the father who was never my dad.

Talking to my dad has been easy as long as I keep up my barriers. As long as we do not talk to long about the hard stuff I am OK. I wonder hew we both will face the issues when they finally surface. I am not really sure where we will go from here. I keep wondering if it is going to be easy for us to just drift apart.

I know that this is my issue. I have never believed anyone was here to stay. I would not let many people plant roots in my heart. I have such a strong fear of being rejected that I have not even let my husband into certain areas of my life. I know that my husband loves and accepts me no matter what but I can not seem to let go of that part of me.

I am not sure where my path is leading I am just so afraid of being hurt. My dad has only been in town for three days and I have already started to back off. He is going back to Washington in five days. I am trying to prepare myself for it to be a complete separation. If I distance myself now it will hurt less if I never hear from him again. I have almost convinced myself that if he leaves Sunday and that's it that I will be OK, almost.

So here I sit still just a ball of confusion and fear asking the same questions over and over. How do I find a place in a family I do not know? Who am I in my dads world?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dealing

Dad, my sister, brother, and sisters boyfriend got here early Saturday morning. I honestly think this has been the most surreal week I have ever experienced. Two weeks ago I did not know my father and had no feelings on if I wanted to or not. Wednesday June 10 changed everything. It started out pretty normal I had a ton of things to do. Early that morning we received news that my husbands grandfather had cancer so we began to make plans to go to Arkansas. I went to church to deliver the evening meal and ask for prayer.

I came back home and called my mom I can't even remember what I was calling her for. I could tell something was not right when she got on the phone. She told me that my aunt had been on facebook and found my biological father. Mom gave me phone numbers and email addresses for a few of his family members and we hung up. I sat there in shock what should I do? I wanted so bad to call right then but what do you say? I was at a complete loss for what to do. I called and talked for a few minutes with one of my sisters and began the wait to hear from him.

I sent an email the next morning and spoke to an uncle and my grandfather it was all so crazy. I added my dad on facebook on Thursday and shortly after received a message from him. we talked for a few min online then I called him again. We spoke for a little while that day and since then spent several hours a day talking. It has been an amazing time getting to know him.

Early Saturday morning he finally got here I talked to him on the phone most of his way into Oklahoma and couldn't believe he was finally here. We have spent the last two days together and we have another week to go. I have been handing things pretty well. I have only had two times where I felt like it was all too much. Yesterday there were a lot of people and new family members over and I had to get away for a few minutes to get my bearings. Today we all went to the lake and after a few hours and I had to leave early. I was having a great time but I was beginning to get tired and needed a little bit of time alone.

I am so happy to have been given this chance after so many years. I am not really sure where this is all gonna lead. I know that I don't wanna ever let my new family go again. I am so blessed to have been given this chance to spend time with my dad.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Family

I didn't have much of a family growing up. Mom and Dad divorced and my dad moved away. I was four when this happened and I didn't see him again until now. I am only 12 hours away from seeing him for the first time in 25 years. Mom did not stay alone and remarried twice. I am not going to rehash my history you want it scroll down and read past blogs.

I have been a crazy mix of nerves and emotions this past week. I am very excited to see my dad again it has been way too long. The best part is I am meeting a lot of new family members. So far I have been in contact with two aunts, three uncles, and a grandmother. Everyone of them have been amazing. I have heard nothing but positive things about my dad.

These people don't know me but have made me feel like family already. I have only experienced this once before and that was with my husbands family. There are certain people out there that are family oriented. I did not have that type of family. After dad left my grandpa got transferred to California. My mom was left in Oklahoma with no family.

As I go through this amazing journey I have been blessed to meet so many new people who have each helped me in different ways. I am so happy to have been welcomed into their lives and can't wait to see where this road goes.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Songs that get me through

I love music and there are songs that just speak to me I can just melt into them and escape the fears and anxieties overwhelming me. When I am backed into a corner I have mastered the mental escape. My fight or flight is set to flight. I would use song lyrics to let my mind get away from what was happening to me as a child.

I wanted to share a few lines from songs that have helped me over the last few days.
"You are calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place." Unashamed Love by Ten Shekel Shirt. This is one of my favorite songs to sing with our praise band. When I sing it or hear it I can feel Gods peace just washes over me.

Another song I just get lost in is Porcelain Heart by Barlow Girl the opening is so powerful and I wish I had this one when I was a kid "Broken heart one more time/pick yourself up, why even cry/broken pieces in your hands/wonder how you'll make it whole" This song is a cry out to God to mend a broken heart. I have played these songs repeatedly over the last few days and have let God tells me what he wants me to know through them.

The first thing God has said to me is My broken heart has already been mended God brought my father into my life to build a relationship or for closure we will see which but I know that He has a plan. Yesterday I went on a cleaning frenzy and wouldn't you know I hit random on my play list. I was elbow deep in scrubbing my stove and the top of the stove crashed down on my hand. At that moment Unashamed Love came on. I had to laugh thanks God you made it clear it was time to quiet down my busy mind.

I don't know if my blogs touch anyone else but they have helped me so much. Thank you all for your support and prayers. I also love to hear your feedback it helps me know I am not completly crazy.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Nervous Energy

I have been cleaning my kitchen for the last 4 hours. No kidding no ones kitchen is that dirty. I decided today instead of worrying myself I was gonna direct all my energy at cleaning top to bottom every inch of my house. So now I have my stove cleaned and put together and now have taken everything out of the fridge and am scrubbing it.

This is how I deal with stress and trust me rigfht now I am feeling the stress. Right now my dad is on the road somwhere between here and Washington on his way to see me. I am going on that crazy roller coaster ride again I am so excited to see him but what if I am not what he expected. What if when he says "I love you" it is the idea of the little girl he lost 25 years ago not the woman she grew into. I made choices that I paid for and I was a broken person.

It was not until recently that I decided to deal with my past and I started attending Celebrate Recovery, God decided to speak to me when I got to the forgiveness step. I am supposed to ask forgiveness of the people I have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. Wouldn't you know at the same time I reconnect with my dad. I know that God has an amazing plan for me the whole thing seems like a story book. I am ready to face whatever happens head on.

As far as forgiveness goes it was easy for me to ask and give forgiveness to those I needed to the problem I have is forgiving myself. I blame myself for everything that happened I have been haunted by if only for way too long. I am going to post as much as I can but once my dad gets here I may slack a little but will keep you guys updated as much as I can