I am seriously losing it! Things are moving so quickly now I almost feel like I am on the Himalaya. Remember the ride at Bells sorry any of you not from Oklahoma. It was a ride that would play really loud music and go in a circle faster and faster. My dad is leaving Washington today at 4 pm. He will be here by this weekend. I am so excited to see him and my brother and sisters but am also scared.
There have been a few times this past week that I have thought I hitched a ride on the crazy train and there is no way off. I have been wanting this day for 25 years! I am trying to figure out what I want from here. Getting to know my dad over the last week has been amazing! But here is where it gets real. Is he going to be disappointed? Are we going to have anything to talk about? The biggest thing I am worried about is physical contact.
With the abuse I suffered as a child I have issues with being touched. I know he is going to want to hug me but what if I panic? Will he be mad if I don't hug back? I did tell him in advance that this is something I have an issue with so at least he is prepared. I am trying to keep myself calm but it isn't working.
I have lost at least 10 pounds since Wednesday I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I am going to have to get myself under control or else I will be to sick to enjoy our visit this week. I will update as he gets closer please keep me in your prayers.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Fathers day
I am struggling with fathers day this year. I had a hard time growing up but when I was 16 my mom married a wonderful man named Dwight. Dwight was my father figure before he and my mother married see I was best friends with his daughter April and their house was my shelter. I met April when I was 11 and we quickly became inseparable. I loved going to her house because that was the only time I was able to witness what it looked like to be loved by a dad. I soon began calling Dwight dad. Now I am trying to establish a bond with my biological father David.
I love both these men very much but in different ways. Dwight was the one to give me away at my wedding and was the one who lent his shoulder when I needed it. I want to make sure that neither of these men are hurt in anyway as I work through this. I have always loved David and wondered if he thought of me there are many questions that are slowly being answered.
Most of my childhood was spent without a father Dwight was the first to show me a fathers love then led me to Christ. I would have been lost without his influence in my life. I don't know much about David but as I learn more and more I am beginning to establish a deep bond with him. So this fathers day I want to thank both these men. I want to thank Dwight for taking a broken little girl and showing her that there is good and that she is lovable. I want to thank David for being patient with me and understanding what I need to make this work.
I love both these men very much but in different ways. Dwight was the one to give me away at my wedding and was the one who lent his shoulder when I needed it. I want to make sure that neither of these men are hurt in anyway as I work through this. I have always loved David and wondered if he thought of me there are many questions that are slowly being answered.
Most of my childhood was spent without a father Dwight was the first to show me a fathers love then led me to Christ. I would have been lost without his influence in my life. I don't know much about David but as I learn more and more I am beginning to establish a deep bond with him. So this fathers day I want to thank both these men. I want to thank Dwight for taking a broken little girl and showing her that there is good and that she is lovable. I want to thank David for being patient with me and understanding what I need to make this work.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Making connections
I am begining to feel overwhelmed. I am not the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am in fact quite the opposite I guard my heart and emotions fiercly. As I have talked with my dad and sisters I have begun to let my guard down. I then remember that that is how I get hurt and throw them back up. I bury what I am feeling to try to keep others from being hurt, I was hurt and can handle it however I do not want to be the cause of anyone elses pain. That is how I have found myself in this dilemma with my brothers and sisters.
I am afraid that me showing up after all these years is going to hurt them. They have been together their whole lives and I am the outsider. I want to learn everything I can about my paternal family but will not let myself be the source of any ones pain. I am struggling with reading the situation and making sure no one is going to get hurt. Here is the problem this whole thing has brought on so many long buried emotions that I am afraid there is no getting around someone being hurt. Now I have to decide if I am willing to let someone else get hurt because I want so bad to know my father.
Growing up I was the protector I am used to taking the brunt of the pain so that others wouldn't have to. Now I find myself trying to protect the feelings of the siblings I have never met. I am new to the equation but am I willing to back off if I have to to protect them? For the first time in my life I don't have the answer. I spent a lot of time wondering where my protector was and when they were gonna step in. I found that protector in God and I have to remember that He is going to show me what to do.
Here's the other problem I am making excuses. I am so afraid that they may reject me that I am preparing myself to run before that happens. When I sit here and let my emotions surface I realize that I am not trying to protect them I am trying to protect myself. I have used the same strategy many times in my life get out before I get hurt. I don't want to do that this time but am so afraid I can see myself as a runner poised on the starting blocks just waiting for the signal to run flat out.
I am afraid that me showing up after all these years is going to hurt them. They have been together their whole lives and I am the outsider. I want to learn everything I can about my paternal family but will not let myself be the source of any ones pain. I am struggling with reading the situation and making sure no one is going to get hurt. Here is the problem this whole thing has brought on so many long buried emotions that I am afraid there is no getting around someone being hurt. Now I have to decide if I am willing to let someone else get hurt because I want so bad to know my father.
Growing up I was the protector I am used to taking the brunt of the pain so that others wouldn't have to. Now I find myself trying to protect the feelings of the siblings I have never met. I am new to the equation but am I willing to back off if I have to to protect them? For the first time in my life I don't have the answer. I spent a lot of time wondering where my protector was and when they were gonna step in. I found that protector in God and I have to remember that He is going to show me what to do.
Here's the other problem I am making excuses. I am so afraid that they may reject me that I am preparing myself to run before that happens. When I sit here and let my emotions surface I realize that I am not trying to protect them I am trying to protect myself. I have used the same strategy many times in my life get out before I get hurt. I don't want to do that this time but am so afraid I can see myself as a runner poised on the starting blocks just waiting for the signal to run flat out.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Emotions
I promise I would be a better updater and I intend to keep that promise. Wednesday started out like any other day I got home from church and called my mom when my whole world changed. You all know thats the day I got my dads info so I will skip over that part. I sat there for so long looking at the dry erase calender on the wall in my kitchen where I wrote the phone numbers and email addresses. I felt so confused I had waited so long for this moment but I was also a little mad.
At the worst point of the physical abuse I just wanted my daddy to come and make it all better. Now I find him when I didnt think I really needed him. I thought this is so unfair. I needed him then not now. The first few conversations were great but we managed to keep away from conversation that was too deep. I found it easier and easier to open up and share my feelings with him. I am still a bundle of crazy emotions but I am sorting through them.
I am not the scared little girl anymore but I do need my dad. In these 4 days we have laughed and cried together. We have learned about each other and we have started to knit the broken pieces back together. I dont know how long I will have the fear that he is going to leave again but I know that everyday I will think that less. I am excited and scared when I think about my other siblings I am worried about what they are feeling. This is not going to be easy on anyone involved but I want to leave the least amount of damage in the wake. I will post again soon Have a great day
At the worst point of the physical abuse I just wanted my daddy to come and make it all better. Now I find him when I didnt think I really needed him. I thought this is so unfair. I needed him then not now. The first few conversations were great but we managed to keep away from conversation that was too deep. I found it easier and easier to open up and share my feelings with him. I am still a bundle of crazy emotions but I am sorting through them.
I am not the scared little girl anymore but I do need my dad. In these 4 days we have laughed and cried together. We have learned about each other and we have started to knit the broken pieces back together. I dont know how long I will have the fear that he is going to leave again but I know that everyday I will think that less. I am excited and scared when I think about my other siblings I am worried about what they are feeling. This is not going to be easy on anyone involved but I want to leave the least amount of damage in the wake. I will post again soon Have a great day
I know it has been a while since I have been here but I have the bloging urge today. Those of you who have read my previous blogs know my history, but for those who don't here is a brief synopsis. My father left when I was very young. When I was 6 my mom met and married a man. He started out great then things went bad. There was abuse I was put into state custody. In the midst of all this I began drinking doing drugs and making myself throw up. My mom divorced and married again this time to a great guy. Ok so thats the short version if you want more read my other blogs. I have always longed for a father three days ago I got that wish.
My Aunt Becky was on facebook and looked up my dads name and found him. She passed the info on and I started talking to him on facebook. Over the past three days I have talked to my dad combined online and on the phone for over 13 hours. Today we had a breakthrough. The things I dealt with in the past caused me to build barriers around my heart. My dad broke them down with three words well actually six. Please forgive me I love you.
I always wanted two things to hear my dad say I love you and to be held by him. Well I am halfway there. Those words let 25 years of held in tears out and began the healing of a sad little girl. I know that this is going to be a long road and it is not going to be easy to trust but it is begining. I am sitting here at 5 am because I am too happy to sleep. I have never been too happy to sleep only too scared.
I would love to tell all of you that the endings are all going to be happy but I can't. I do not know how this is going to turn out but I do know that I am going to embrace it every step of the way. I will however promise to keep you all updated so you can send your prayers our way. There will be so much to share with you starting with I have more brothers and sisters!!!!! I know I know I am goin to have a hard time keeping up. I have made a start and cant wait to share more. I hope you all have a wonderfull and blessed week.
My Aunt Becky was on facebook and looked up my dads name and found him. She passed the info on and I started talking to him on facebook. Over the past three days I have talked to my dad combined online and on the phone for over 13 hours. Today we had a breakthrough. The things I dealt with in the past caused me to build barriers around my heart. My dad broke them down with three words well actually six. Please forgive me I love you.
I always wanted two things to hear my dad say I love you and to be held by him. Well I am halfway there. Those words let 25 years of held in tears out and began the healing of a sad little girl. I know that this is going to be a long road and it is not going to be easy to trust but it is begining. I am sitting here at 5 am because I am too happy to sleep. I have never been too happy to sleep only too scared.
I would love to tell all of you that the endings are all going to be happy but I can't. I do not know how this is going to turn out but I do know that I am going to embrace it every step of the way. I will however promise to keep you all updated so you can send your prayers our way. There will be so much to share with you starting with I have more brothers and sisters!!!!! I know I know I am goin to have a hard time keeping up. I have made a start and cant wait to share more. I hope you all have a wonderfull and blessed week.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Time to Reflect
I have been working through the 12-steps in celebrate recovery and let me tell you this has been both the hardest thing I have ever done and the most rewarding. It is time for me to get my past out of the shadows and share with others. My hope is that my testimony will help someone who is going through similar situations.
Ok so here is a brief outline of what made me well me. My biological father left when I was four years old leaving my mom with three little girls and no where to go. We lived with my grandparents while my mom finished nursing school then moved to an apartment. My mom met and married her second husband when I was in kindergarten. My excitement over having a new dad was short lived. Shortly after moving in My step-dad became abusive. At first it was name calling and yelling and as these things progress it turned physical. When I was twelve I started sneaking out of my house and running around with older kids. I started drinking and smoking to be like them. This was when I had my first intimate moment I didn't have a clue what was going on. When I was thirteen I tried marijuana for the first time. My life was out of control I began binging and purging my weight was the one thing I could control.
Shortly after I turned fourteen I told the most amazing teacher I ever had what was going on. Mrs. McKnight was the one person in all this I could trust. just a side note for you teachers when you think you are not reaching a student trust me you do. She asked me what I wanted to do I was floored she did not tell me she was calling child services she did not tell me what to do she just listened. She knew that at that point in my life if she told me what to do I would have run. I cried and told her I had to get out of my house Mrs. McKnight then walked me to the nurses office and held my hand while they called the police and photographed the many bruises on my body. When the police were getting ready to take me me away she handed me a piece of paper with her phone number on it and told me even though I would not be back in her class she wanted me to keep in touch.
The police picked up my two younger sisters and took us to a home for abused and neglected children. My family was separated and I felt extremely guilty for it they took three of us and left my younger brother and little sister in the home with my mom and step-dad. The home was scary and we were there for almost two a year. We were not able to see or talk to my mom during this. When my mom finally got a divorce we moved to a DVIS shelter with her. We were together again but had no where to go. My mom found us a house and the end of my freshman year was spent at a regular high school. Even though life was getting better I had not dealt with my issues I continued to binge and purge and I was drinking and getting high every weekend.
I was put into a inpatient facility to help me overcome my addiction and bulimia. Once again I was taken out of regular school and sent away. While I was in this facility my mom met her third husband the man I now call dad. He is a baptist minister and led me to Christ. My junior year My mom married and we moved to Catoosa. I was not binging anymore and I was not getting high. However I was binge drinking I thought I was OK I mean I was only drinking sometimes so that's ok right? No its not I was only seventeen and drinking until I passed out my life was better at home but again I had not dealt with my past.
Ok so I have given you the beginning of me there is much more but this is hard and this is all I can handle for one day. Your prayers and support are greatly appreciated I have many fears that revealing my past will make people think less of who I have become. I know that I would not be who I am today if I did not travel the road I did. Have a great day and stay tuned for the second half of my life trust me it is a much happier story.
Ok so here is a brief outline of what made me well me. My biological father left when I was four years old leaving my mom with three little girls and no where to go. We lived with my grandparents while my mom finished nursing school then moved to an apartment. My mom met and married her second husband when I was in kindergarten. My excitement over having a new dad was short lived. Shortly after moving in My step-dad became abusive. At first it was name calling and yelling and as these things progress it turned physical. When I was twelve I started sneaking out of my house and running around with older kids. I started drinking and smoking to be like them. This was when I had my first intimate moment I didn't have a clue what was going on. When I was thirteen I tried marijuana for the first time. My life was out of control I began binging and purging my weight was the one thing I could control.
Shortly after I turned fourteen I told the most amazing teacher I ever had what was going on. Mrs. McKnight was the one person in all this I could trust. just a side note for you teachers when you think you are not reaching a student trust me you do. She asked me what I wanted to do I was floored she did not tell me she was calling child services she did not tell me what to do she just listened. She knew that at that point in my life if she told me what to do I would have run. I cried and told her I had to get out of my house Mrs. McKnight then walked me to the nurses office and held my hand while they called the police and photographed the many bruises on my body. When the police were getting ready to take me me away she handed me a piece of paper with her phone number on it and told me even though I would not be back in her class she wanted me to keep in touch.
The police picked up my two younger sisters and took us to a home for abused and neglected children. My family was separated and I felt extremely guilty for it they took three of us and left my younger brother and little sister in the home with my mom and step-dad. The home was scary and we were there for almost two a year. We were not able to see or talk to my mom during this. When my mom finally got a divorce we moved to a DVIS shelter with her. We were together again but had no where to go. My mom found us a house and the end of my freshman year was spent at a regular high school. Even though life was getting better I had not dealt with my issues I continued to binge and purge and I was drinking and getting high every weekend.
I was put into a inpatient facility to help me overcome my addiction and bulimia. Once again I was taken out of regular school and sent away. While I was in this facility my mom met her third husband the man I now call dad. He is a baptist minister and led me to Christ. My junior year My mom married and we moved to Catoosa. I was not binging anymore and I was not getting high. However I was binge drinking I thought I was OK I mean I was only drinking sometimes so that's ok right? No its not I was only seventeen and drinking until I passed out my life was better at home but again I had not dealt with my past.
Ok so I have given you the beginning of me there is much more but this is hard and this is all I can handle for one day. Your prayers and support are greatly appreciated I have many fears that revealing my past will make people think less of who I have become. I know that I would not be who I am today if I did not travel the road I did. Have a great day and stay tuned for the second half of my life trust me it is a much happier story.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
life happens when you aren't ready
I woke up yesterday morning grumbling about the fact that I had to get out in the snow to go to work. I again let thoughts of how I wouldn't have to do this if my husband didn't have to pay child support. Why do I have to pay for my husbands past mistakes I wasn't there? I felt sorry for myself for a few hours wondering where I was going to find the time after work to get my homework done and take care of my children. I again asked why me. It dawned on me that Christ did what I am doing on a much much larger scale! He was not there the first time I decided to try a little marijuana wait He was there. He didn't make me try it yeah that's better wording. You know when I think of how much I resent the fact that I have to work so hard to pay for the mistakes my spouse made I need to remind myself that Jesus paid a much higher price to pay for my mistakes. Trust me when I say that my mistakes were BIG!
I am a product of a unfortunate past. I know that God was there with me every step of the way otherwise I wouldn't be here now. When I look at my oldest son Dakota I don't see the mistake I made not being married when I got pregnant. How can I then expect my husband to look at his oldest son as a mistake? The road I am on is not an easy one and God shows me everyday his grace I only hope that as I learn these lessons I grow into the woman God sees under all my "stuff".
I am a product of a unfortunate past. I know that God was there with me every step of the way otherwise I wouldn't be here now. When I look at my oldest son Dakota I don't see the mistake I made not being married when I got pregnant. How can I then expect my husband to look at his oldest son as a mistake? The road I am on is not an easy one and God shows me everyday his grace I only hope that as I learn these lessons I grow into the woman God sees under all my "stuff".
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