I love music and there are songs that just speak to me I can just melt into them and escape the fears and anxieties overwhelming me. When I am backed into a corner I have mastered the mental escape. My fight or flight is set to flight. I would use song lyrics to let my mind get away from what was happening to me as a child.
I wanted to share a few lines from songs that have helped me over the last few days.
"You are calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place." Unashamed Love by Ten Shekel Shirt. This is one of my favorite songs to sing with our praise band. When I sing it or hear it I can feel Gods peace just washes over me.
Another song I just get lost in is Porcelain Heart by Barlow Girl the opening is so powerful and I wish I had this one when I was a kid "Broken heart one more time/pick yourself up, why even cry/broken pieces in your hands/wonder how you'll make it whole" This song is a cry out to God to mend a broken heart. I have played these songs repeatedly over the last few days and have let God tells me what he wants me to know through them.
The first thing God has said to me is My broken heart has already been mended God brought my father into my life to build a relationship or for closure we will see which but I know that He has a plan. Yesterday I went on a cleaning frenzy and wouldn't you know I hit random on my play list. I was elbow deep in scrubbing my stove and the top of the stove crashed down on my hand. At that moment Unashamed Love came on. I had to laugh thanks God you made it clear it was time to quiet down my busy mind.
I don't know if my blogs touch anyone else but they have helped me so much. Thank you all for your support and prayers. I also love to hear your feedback it helps me know I am not completly crazy.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Nervous Energy
I have been cleaning my kitchen for the last 4 hours. No kidding no ones kitchen is that dirty. I decided today instead of worrying myself I was gonna direct all my energy at cleaning top to bottom every inch of my house. So now I have my stove cleaned and put together and now have taken everything out of the fridge and am scrubbing it.
This is how I deal with stress and trust me rigfht now I am feeling the stress. Right now my dad is on the road somwhere between here and Washington on his way to see me. I am going on that crazy roller coaster ride again I am so excited to see him but what if I am not what he expected. What if when he says "I love you" it is the idea of the little girl he lost 25 years ago not the woman she grew into. I made choices that I paid for and I was a broken person.
It was not until recently that I decided to deal with my past and I started attending Celebrate Recovery, God decided to speak to me when I got to the forgiveness step. I am supposed to ask forgiveness of the people I have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. Wouldn't you know at the same time I reconnect with my dad. I know that God has an amazing plan for me the whole thing seems like a story book. I am ready to face whatever happens head on.
As far as forgiveness goes it was easy for me to ask and give forgiveness to those I needed to the problem I have is forgiving myself. I blame myself for everything that happened I have been haunted by if only for way too long. I am going to post as much as I can but once my dad gets here I may slack a little but will keep you guys updated as much as I can
This is how I deal with stress and trust me rigfht now I am feeling the stress. Right now my dad is on the road somwhere between here and Washington on his way to see me. I am going on that crazy roller coaster ride again I am so excited to see him but what if I am not what he expected. What if when he says "I love you" it is the idea of the little girl he lost 25 years ago not the woman she grew into. I made choices that I paid for and I was a broken person.
It was not until recently that I decided to deal with my past and I started attending Celebrate Recovery, God decided to speak to me when I got to the forgiveness step. I am supposed to ask forgiveness of the people I have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. Wouldn't you know at the same time I reconnect with my dad. I know that God has an amazing plan for me the whole thing seems like a story book. I am ready to face whatever happens head on.
As far as forgiveness goes it was easy for me to ask and give forgiveness to those I needed to the problem I have is forgiving myself. I blame myself for everything that happened I have been haunted by if only for way too long. I am going to post as much as I can but once my dad gets here I may slack a little but will keep you guys updated as much as I can
The countdown begins
I am seriously losing it! Things are moving so quickly now I almost feel like I am on the Himalaya. Remember the ride at Bells sorry any of you not from Oklahoma. It was a ride that would play really loud music and go in a circle faster and faster. My dad is leaving Washington today at 4 pm. He will be here by this weekend. I am so excited to see him and my brother and sisters but am also scared.
There have been a few times this past week that I have thought I hitched a ride on the crazy train and there is no way off. I have been wanting this day for 25 years! I am trying to figure out what I want from here. Getting to know my dad over the last week has been amazing! But here is where it gets real. Is he going to be disappointed? Are we going to have anything to talk about? The biggest thing I am worried about is physical contact.
With the abuse I suffered as a child I have issues with being touched. I know he is going to want to hug me but what if I panic? Will he be mad if I don't hug back? I did tell him in advance that this is something I have an issue with so at least he is prepared. I am trying to keep myself calm but it isn't working.
I have lost at least 10 pounds since Wednesday I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I am going to have to get myself under control or else I will be to sick to enjoy our visit this week. I will update as he gets closer please keep me in your prayers.
There have been a few times this past week that I have thought I hitched a ride on the crazy train and there is no way off. I have been wanting this day for 25 years! I am trying to figure out what I want from here. Getting to know my dad over the last week has been amazing! But here is where it gets real. Is he going to be disappointed? Are we going to have anything to talk about? The biggest thing I am worried about is physical contact.
With the abuse I suffered as a child I have issues with being touched. I know he is going to want to hug me but what if I panic? Will he be mad if I don't hug back? I did tell him in advance that this is something I have an issue with so at least he is prepared. I am trying to keep myself calm but it isn't working.
I have lost at least 10 pounds since Wednesday I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I am going to have to get myself under control or else I will be to sick to enjoy our visit this week. I will update as he gets closer please keep me in your prayers.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Fathers day
I am struggling with fathers day this year. I had a hard time growing up but when I was 16 my mom married a wonderful man named Dwight. Dwight was my father figure before he and my mother married see I was best friends with his daughter April and their house was my shelter. I met April when I was 11 and we quickly became inseparable. I loved going to her house because that was the only time I was able to witness what it looked like to be loved by a dad. I soon began calling Dwight dad. Now I am trying to establish a bond with my biological father David.
I love both these men very much but in different ways. Dwight was the one to give me away at my wedding and was the one who lent his shoulder when I needed it. I want to make sure that neither of these men are hurt in anyway as I work through this. I have always loved David and wondered if he thought of me there are many questions that are slowly being answered.
Most of my childhood was spent without a father Dwight was the first to show me a fathers love then led me to Christ. I would have been lost without his influence in my life. I don't know much about David but as I learn more and more I am beginning to establish a deep bond with him. So this fathers day I want to thank both these men. I want to thank Dwight for taking a broken little girl and showing her that there is good and that she is lovable. I want to thank David for being patient with me and understanding what I need to make this work.
I love both these men very much but in different ways. Dwight was the one to give me away at my wedding and was the one who lent his shoulder when I needed it. I want to make sure that neither of these men are hurt in anyway as I work through this. I have always loved David and wondered if he thought of me there are many questions that are slowly being answered.
Most of my childhood was spent without a father Dwight was the first to show me a fathers love then led me to Christ. I would have been lost without his influence in my life. I don't know much about David but as I learn more and more I am beginning to establish a deep bond with him. So this fathers day I want to thank both these men. I want to thank Dwight for taking a broken little girl and showing her that there is good and that she is lovable. I want to thank David for being patient with me and understanding what I need to make this work.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Making connections
I am begining to feel overwhelmed. I am not the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am in fact quite the opposite I guard my heart and emotions fiercly. As I have talked with my dad and sisters I have begun to let my guard down. I then remember that that is how I get hurt and throw them back up. I bury what I am feeling to try to keep others from being hurt, I was hurt and can handle it however I do not want to be the cause of anyone elses pain. That is how I have found myself in this dilemma with my brothers and sisters.
I am afraid that me showing up after all these years is going to hurt them. They have been together their whole lives and I am the outsider. I want to learn everything I can about my paternal family but will not let myself be the source of any ones pain. I am struggling with reading the situation and making sure no one is going to get hurt. Here is the problem this whole thing has brought on so many long buried emotions that I am afraid there is no getting around someone being hurt. Now I have to decide if I am willing to let someone else get hurt because I want so bad to know my father.
Growing up I was the protector I am used to taking the brunt of the pain so that others wouldn't have to. Now I find myself trying to protect the feelings of the siblings I have never met. I am new to the equation but am I willing to back off if I have to to protect them? For the first time in my life I don't have the answer. I spent a lot of time wondering where my protector was and when they were gonna step in. I found that protector in God and I have to remember that He is going to show me what to do.
Here's the other problem I am making excuses. I am so afraid that they may reject me that I am preparing myself to run before that happens. When I sit here and let my emotions surface I realize that I am not trying to protect them I am trying to protect myself. I have used the same strategy many times in my life get out before I get hurt. I don't want to do that this time but am so afraid I can see myself as a runner poised on the starting blocks just waiting for the signal to run flat out.
I am afraid that me showing up after all these years is going to hurt them. They have been together their whole lives and I am the outsider. I want to learn everything I can about my paternal family but will not let myself be the source of any ones pain. I am struggling with reading the situation and making sure no one is going to get hurt. Here is the problem this whole thing has brought on so many long buried emotions that I am afraid there is no getting around someone being hurt. Now I have to decide if I am willing to let someone else get hurt because I want so bad to know my father.
Growing up I was the protector I am used to taking the brunt of the pain so that others wouldn't have to. Now I find myself trying to protect the feelings of the siblings I have never met. I am new to the equation but am I willing to back off if I have to to protect them? For the first time in my life I don't have the answer. I spent a lot of time wondering where my protector was and when they were gonna step in. I found that protector in God and I have to remember that He is going to show me what to do.
Here's the other problem I am making excuses. I am so afraid that they may reject me that I am preparing myself to run before that happens. When I sit here and let my emotions surface I realize that I am not trying to protect them I am trying to protect myself. I have used the same strategy many times in my life get out before I get hurt. I don't want to do that this time but am so afraid I can see myself as a runner poised on the starting blocks just waiting for the signal to run flat out.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Emotions
I promise I would be a better updater and I intend to keep that promise. Wednesday started out like any other day I got home from church and called my mom when my whole world changed. You all know thats the day I got my dads info so I will skip over that part. I sat there for so long looking at the dry erase calender on the wall in my kitchen where I wrote the phone numbers and email addresses. I felt so confused I had waited so long for this moment but I was also a little mad.
At the worst point of the physical abuse I just wanted my daddy to come and make it all better. Now I find him when I didnt think I really needed him. I thought this is so unfair. I needed him then not now. The first few conversations were great but we managed to keep away from conversation that was too deep. I found it easier and easier to open up and share my feelings with him. I am still a bundle of crazy emotions but I am sorting through them.
I am not the scared little girl anymore but I do need my dad. In these 4 days we have laughed and cried together. We have learned about each other and we have started to knit the broken pieces back together. I dont know how long I will have the fear that he is going to leave again but I know that everyday I will think that less. I am excited and scared when I think about my other siblings I am worried about what they are feeling. This is not going to be easy on anyone involved but I want to leave the least amount of damage in the wake. I will post again soon Have a great day
At the worst point of the physical abuse I just wanted my daddy to come and make it all better. Now I find him when I didnt think I really needed him. I thought this is so unfair. I needed him then not now. The first few conversations were great but we managed to keep away from conversation that was too deep. I found it easier and easier to open up and share my feelings with him. I am still a bundle of crazy emotions but I am sorting through them.
I am not the scared little girl anymore but I do need my dad. In these 4 days we have laughed and cried together. We have learned about each other and we have started to knit the broken pieces back together. I dont know how long I will have the fear that he is going to leave again but I know that everyday I will think that less. I am excited and scared when I think about my other siblings I am worried about what they are feeling. This is not going to be easy on anyone involved but I want to leave the least amount of damage in the wake. I will post again soon Have a great day
I know it has been a while since I have been here but I have the bloging urge today. Those of you who have read my previous blogs know my history, but for those who don't here is a brief synopsis. My father left when I was very young. When I was 6 my mom met and married a man. He started out great then things went bad. There was abuse I was put into state custody. In the midst of all this I began drinking doing drugs and making myself throw up. My mom divorced and married again this time to a great guy. Ok so thats the short version if you want more read my other blogs. I have always longed for a father three days ago I got that wish.
My Aunt Becky was on facebook and looked up my dads name and found him. She passed the info on and I started talking to him on facebook. Over the past three days I have talked to my dad combined online and on the phone for over 13 hours. Today we had a breakthrough. The things I dealt with in the past caused me to build barriers around my heart. My dad broke them down with three words well actually six. Please forgive me I love you.
I always wanted two things to hear my dad say I love you and to be held by him. Well I am halfway there. Those words let 25 years of held in tears out and began the healing of a sad little girl. I know that this is going to be a long road and it is not going to be easy to trust but it is begining. I am sitting here at 5 am because I am too happy to sleep. I have never been too happy to sleep only too scared.
I would love to tell all of you that the endings are all going to be happy but I can't. I do not know how this is going to turn out but I do know that I am going to embrace it every step of the way. I will however promise to keep you all updated so you can send your prayers our way. There will be so much to share with you starting with I have more brothers and sisters!!!!! I know I know I am goin to have a hard time keeping up. I have made a start and cant wait to share more. I hope you all have a wonderfull and blessed week.
My Aunt Becky was on facebook and looked up my dads name and found him. She passed the info on and I started talking to him on facebook. Over the past three days I have talked to my dad combined online and on the phone for over 13 hours. Today we had a breakthrough. The things I dealt with in the past caused me to build barriers around my heart. My dad broke them down with three words well actually six. Please forgive me I love you.
I always wanted two things to hear my dad say I love you and to be held by him. Well I am halfway there. Those words let 25 years of held in tears out and began the healing of a sad little girl. I know that this is going to be a long road and it is not going to be easy to trust but it is begining. I am sitting here at 5 am because I am too happy to sleep. I have never been too happy to sleep only too scared.
I would love to tell all of you that the endings are all going to be happy but I can't. I do not know how this is going to turn out but I do know that I am going to embrace it every step of the way. I will however promise to keep you all updated so you can send your prayers our way. There will be so much to share with you starting with I have more brothers and sisters!!!!! I know I know I am goin to have a hard time keeping up. I have made a start and cant wait to share more. I hope you all have a wonderfull and blessed week.
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