Time to Reflect

I have been working through the 12-steps in celebrate recovery and let me tell you this has been both the hardest thing I have ever done and the most rewarding. It is time for me to get my past out of the shadows and share with others. My hope is that my testimony will help someone who is going through similar situations.

Ok so here is a brief outline of what made me well me. My biological father left when I was four years old leaving my mom with three little girls and no where to go. We lived with my grandparents while my mom finished nursing school then moved to an apartment. My mom met and married her second husband when I was in kindergarten. My excitement over having a new dad was short lived. Shortly after moving in My step-dad became abusive. At first it was name calling and yelling and as these things progress it turned physical. When I was twelve I started sneaking out of my house and running around with older kids. I started drinking and smoking to be like them. This was when I had my first intimate moment I didn't have a clue what was going on. When I was thirteen I tried marijuana for the first time. My life was out of control I began binging and purging my weight was the one thing I could control.

Shortly after I turned fourteen I told the most amazing teacher I ever had what was going on. Mrs. McKnight was the one person in all this I could trust. just a side note for you teachers when you think you are not reaching a student trust me you do. She asked me what I wanted to do I was floored she did not tell me she was calling child services she did not tell me what to do she just listened. She knew that at that point in my life if she told me what to do I would have run. I cried and told her I had to get out of my house Mrs. McKnight then walked me to the nurses office and held my hand while they called the police and photographed the many bruises on my body. When the police were getting ready to take me me away she handed me a piece of paper with her phone number on it and told me even though I would not be back in her class she wanted me to keep in touch.

The police picked up my two younger sisters and took us to a home for abused and neglected children. My family was separated and I felt extremely guilty for it they took three of us and left my younger brother and little sister in the home with my mom and step-dad. The home was scary and we were there for almost two a year. We were not able to see or talk to my mom during this. When my mom finally got a divorce we moved to a DVIS shelter with her. We were together again but had no where to go. My mom found us a house and the end of my freshman year was spent at a regular high school. Even though life was getting better I had not dealt with my issues I continued to binge and purge and I was drinking and getting high every weekend.

I was put into a inpatient facility to help me overcome my addiction and bulimia. Once again I was taken out of regular school and sent away. While I was in this facility my mom met her third husband the man I now call dad. He is a baptist minister and led me to Christ. My junior year My mom married and we moved to Catoosa. I was not binging anymore and I was not getting high. However I was binge drinking I thought I was OK I mean I was only drinking sometimes so that's ok right? No its not I was only seventeen and drinking until I passed out my life was better at home but again I had not dealt with my past.

Ok so I have given you the beginning of me there is much more but this is hard and this is all I can handle for one day. Your prayers and support are greatly appreciated I have many fears that revealing my past will make people think less of who I have become. I know that I would not be who I am today if I did not travel the road I did. Have a great day and stay tuned for the second half of my life trust me it is a much happier story.

life happens when you aren't ready

I woke up yesterday morning grumbling about the fact that I had to get out in the snow to go to work. I again let thoughts of how I wouldn't have to do this if my husband didn't have to pay child support. Why do I have to pay for my husbands past mistakes I wasn't there? I felt sorry for myself for a few hours wondering where I was going to find the time after work to get my homework done and take care of my children. I again asked why me. It dawned on me that Christ did what I am doing on a much much larger scale! He was not there the first time I decided to try a little marijuana wait He was there. He didn't make me try it yeah that's better wording. You know when I think of how much I resent the fact that I have to work so hard to pay for the mistakes my spouse made I need to remind myself that Jesus paid a much higher price to pay for my mistakes. Trust me when I say that my mistakes were BIG!
I am a product of a unfortunate past. I know that God was there with me every step of the way otherwise I wouldn't be here now. When I look at my oldest son Dakota I don't see the mistake I made not being married when I got pregnant. How can I then expect my husband to look at his oldest son as a mistake? The road I am on is not an easy one and God shows me everyday his grace I only hope that as I learn these lessons I grow into the woman God sees under all my "stuff".