The last time

Today is a sad day. I have gained so much from blogging but I learned today I can't anymore. I am no longer able to keep up with the blogs I was doing. Although I have been able to work through many emotions others who read this have been hurt. That is the last thing I wanted to do. So this is the last bog I am going to post about the feelings I am dealing with.

I have realized today that some of the things I talk about in my blog may hurt some other people. So this is it. I will blog from time to time and give status updates but I will no longer use my blog to help me sort out personal feelings.

I had a conversation with a family member today that quickly turned into hurt feelings. Unfortunately some of the hurt feelings were from things I had blogged about. To this person I am truly sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I used writing out my feelings as therapy. This was a mistake. I realize now using an online forum is unfair to the others involved. I have tried to keep the focus on me and my feelings. I never realized that what I was feeling would affect others the way it has.

Like I said this was never my intention. It is very easy for us to think the Internet provides anonymity it does not. Just because you are behind a keyboard does not give you the right to say whatever you want. i had no clue that so many people read or were effected by my journey. I* do not want to hurt any ones feelings and am sorry to anyone that was hurt by the things I may have said or posted.

I hope all those involved will forgive me for anything I posted that hurt them. I appreciate all those who have read my words and offered encouragement and prayer please continue to offer me up when you say your prayers. I am not going to stop journaling I am going to stop publicly sharing all the things and details I have.

Today was so amazing! My dad went to church with me and we had a great time. I am still slowly working through all the emotions that come with him being here. My church held a concert and night of testimony the two men who spoke were truly amazing. About half way through hearing one of the speakers stories I just broke down. I was crying and my dad was sitting next to me and he just wrapped his arms around me and held me.

After listening to these men speak my dad and I spoke to the leader of the group. These men had touched both of us so much yet they were so excited to hear our story. exactly 2 weeks ago today dad and I found each other. I don't know why God chooses his timing but I know that it is perfect.

I was very angry and bitter before I started attending celebrate recovery. I think I may have had a different attitude towards my dad had he entered my life at any other time. I am working through the 12 steps at CR and I am currently on the forgiveness step. I was making the list of who to ask forgiveness of and who to offer my forgiveness to. It was then that God decided to make it known loud and clear where to start. After 25 years I found my dad. We talked daily after finding each other and began to develop the beginnings of a bond. exactly one week after finding each other my dad came to visit. We are working through all the things him being back brings.

I am so grateful to have been given the chance to get to know him. God had filled the roll of father to the fatherless so completely and now he has given me the chance to meet my earthly father. There are so many emotions that I have been sorting through with this. I feel like I am on a huge roller coaster and sometimes I just want off. Most if the time I am so relieved to be getting this chance.

There are still times where I am angry. I don't know if my life would have been better or worse if my dad would have been here. I choose daily to forgive my father for not being here to protect e from my abuser. Forgiveness is a choice we make. We are not like God and throw our transgressions as far as the east is from the west. So everytime the anger rears its head I stop and choose to forgive rather than focus on my anger. I know now that had I not lived through the nightmare I would not be the woman I am today.

Finding My Place

As I begin to adjust to having my father around I am beginning to wonder where I fit. I am not the daddy's little girl I was when he left. I am finding new questions to be answered. I fond myself wondering how I start a relationship with the father who was never my dad.

Talking to my dad has been easy as long as I keep up my barriers. As long as we do not talk to long about the hard stuff I am OK. I wonder hew we both will face the issues when they finally surface. I am not really sure where we will go from here. I keep wondering if it is going to be easy for us to just drift apart.

I know that this is my issue. I have never believed anyone was here to stay. I would not let many people plant roots in my heart. I have such a strong fear of being rejected that I have not even let my husband into certain areas of my life. I know that my husband loves and accepts me no matter what but I can not seem to let go of that part of me.

I am not sure where my path is leading I am just so afraid of being hurt. My dad has only been in town for three days and I have already started to back off. He is going back to Washington in five days. I am trying to prepare myself for it to be a complete separation. If I distance myself now it will hurt less if I never hear from him again. I have almost convinced myself that if he leaves Sunday and that's it that I will be OK, almost.

So here I sit still just a ball of confusion and fear asking the same questions over and over. How do I find a place in a family I do not know? Who am I in my dads world?

Dealing

Dad, my sister, brother, and sisters boyfriend got here early Saturday morning. I honestly think this has been the most surreal week I have ever experienced. Two weeks ago I did not know my father and had no feelings on if I wanted to or not. Wednesday June 10 changed everything. It started out pretty normal I had a ton of things to do. Early that morning we received news that my husbands grandfather had cancer so we began to make plans to go to Arkansas. I went to church to deliver the evening meal and ask for prayer.

I came back home and called my mom I can't even remember what I was calling her for. I could tell something was not right when she got on the phone. She told me that my aunt had been on facebook and found my biological father. Mom gave me phone numbers and email addresses for a few of his family members and we hung up. I sat there in shock what should I do? I wanted so bad to call right then but what do you say? I was at a complete loss for what to do. I called and talked for a few minutes with one of my sisters and began the wait to hear from him.

I sent an email the next morning and spoke to an uncle and my grandfather it was all so crazy. I added my dad on facebook on Thursday and shortly after received a message from him. we talked for a few min online then I called him again. We spoke for a little while that day and since then spent several hours a day talking. It has been an amazing time getting to know him.

Early Saturday morning he finally got here I talked to him on the phone most of his way into Oklahoma and couldn't believe he was finally here. We have spent the last two days together and we have another week to go. I have been handing things pretty well. I have only had two times where I felt like it was all too much. Yesterday there were a lot of people and new family members over and I had to get away for a few minutes to get my bearings. Today we all went to the lake and after a few hours and I had to leave early. I was having a great time but I was beginning to get tired and needed a little bit of time alone.

I am so happy to have been given this chance after so many years. I am not really sure where this is all gonna lead. I know that I don't wanna ever let my new family go again. I am so blessed to have been given this chance to spend time with my dad.

Family

I didn't have much of a family growing up. Mom and Dad divorced and my dad moved away. I was four when this happened and I didn't see him again until now. I am only 12 hours away from seeing him for the first time in 25 years. Mom did not stay alone and remarried twice. I am not going to rehash my history you want it scroll down and read past blogs.

I have been a crazy mix of nerves and emotions this past week. I am very excited to see my dad again it has been way too long. The best part is I am meeting a lot of new family members. So far I have been in contact with two aunts, three uncles, and a grandmother. Everyone of them have been amazing. I have heard nothing but positive things about my dad.

These people don't know me but have made me feel like family already. I have only experienced this once before and that was with my husbands family. There are certain people out there that are family oriented. I did not have that type of family. After dad left my grandpa got transferred to California. My mom was left in Oklahoma with no family.

As I go through this amazing journey I have been blessed to meet so many new people who have each helped me in different ways. I am so happy to have been welcomed into their lives and can't wait to see where this road goes.

The Songs that get me through

I love music and there are songs that just speak to me I can just melt into them and escape the fears and anxieties overwhelming me. When I am backed into a corner I have mastered the mental escape. My fight or flight is set to flight. I would use song lyrics to let my mind get away from what was happening to me as a child.

I wanted to share a few lines from songs that have helped me over the last few days.
"You are calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place." Unashamed Love by Ten Shekel Shirt. This is one of my favorite songs to sing with our praise band. When I sing it or hear it I can feel Gods peace just washes over me.

Another song I just get lost in is Porcelain Heart by Barlow Girl the opening is so powerful and I wish I had this one when I was a kid "Broken heart one more time/pick yourself up, why even cry/broken pieces in your hands/wonder how you'll make it whole" This song is a cry out to God to mend a broken heart. I have played these songs repeatedly over the last few days and have let God tells me what he wants me to know through them.

The first thing God has said to me is My broken heart has already been mended God brought my father into my life to build a relationship or for closure we will see which but I know that He has a plan. Yesterday I went on a cleaning frenzy and wouldn't you know I hit random on my play list. I was elbow deep in scrubbing my stove and the top of the stove crashed down on my hand. At that moment Unashamed Love came on. I had to laugh thanks God you made it clear it was time to quiet down my busy mind.

I don't know if my blogs touch anyone else but they have helped me so much. Thank you all for your support and prayers. I also love to hear your feedback it helps me know I am not completly crazy.

Nervous Energy

I have been cleaning my kitchen for the last 4 hours. No kidding no ones kitchen is that dirty. I decided today instead of worrying myself I was gonna direct all my energy at cleaning top to bottom every inch of my house. So now I have my stove cleaned and put together and now have taken everything out of the fridge and am scrubbing it.

This is how I deal with stress and trust me rigfht now I am feeling the stress. Right now my dad is on the road somwhere between here and Washington on his way to see me. I am going on that crazy roller coaster ride again I am so excited to see him but what if I am not what he expected. What if when he says "I love you" it is the idea of the little girl he lost 25 years ago not the woman she grew into. I made choices that I paid for and I was a broken person.

It was not until recently that I decided to deal with my past and I started attending Celebrate Recovery, God decided to speak to me when I got to the forgiveness step. I am supposed to ask forgiveness of the people I have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. Wouldn't you know at the same time I reconnect with my dad. I know that God has an amazing plan for me the whole thing seems like a story book. I am ready to face whatever happens head on.

As far as forgiveness goes it was easy for me to ask and give forgiveness to those I needed to the problem I have is forgiving myself. I blame myself for everything that happened I have been haunted by if only for way too long. I am going to post as much as I can but once my dad gets here I may slack a little but will keep you guys updated as much as I can

The countdown begins

I am seriously losing it! Things are moving so quickly now I almost feel like I am on the Himalaya. Remember the ride at Bells sorry any of you not from Oklahoma. It was a ride that would play really loud music and go in a circle faster and faster. My dad is leaving Washington today at 4 pm. He will be here by this weekend. I am so excited to see him and my brother and sisters but am also scared.

There have been a few times this past week that I have thought I hitched a ride on the crazy train and there is no way off. I have been wanting this day for 25 years! I am trying to figure out what I want from here. Getting to know my dad over the last week has been amazing! But here is where it gets real. Is he going to be disappointed? Are we going to have anything to talk about? The biggest thing I am worried about is physical contact.

With the abuse I suffered as a child I have issues with being touched. I know he is going to want to hug me but what if I panic? Will he be mad if I don't hug back? I did tell him in advance that this is something I have an issue with so at least he is prepared. I am trying to keep myself calm but it isn't working.

I have lost at least 10 pounds since Wednesday I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I am going to have to get myself under control or else I will be to sick to enjoy our visit this week. I will update as he gets closer please keep me in your prayers.

Fathers day

I am struggling with fathers day this year. I had a hard time growing up but when I was 16 my mom married a wonderful man named Dwight. Dwight was my father figure before he and my mother married see I was best friends with his daughter April and their house was my shelter. I met April when I was 11 and we quickly became inseparable. I loved going to her house because that was the only time I was able to witness what it looked like to be loved by a dad. I soon began calling Dwight dad. Now I am trying to establish a bond with my biological father David.

I love both these men very much but in different ways. Dwight was the one to give me away at my wedding and was the one who lent his shoulder when I needed it. I want to make sure that neither of these men are hurt in anyway as I work through this. I have always loved David and wondered if he thought of me there are many questions that are slowly being answered.

Most of my childhood was spent without a father Dwight was the first to show me a fathers love then led me to Christ. I would have been lost without his influence in my life. I don't know much about David but as I learn more and more I am beginning to establish a deep bond with him. So this fathers day I want to thank both these men. I want to thank Dwight for taking a broken little girl and showing her that there is good and that she is lovable. I want to thank David for being patient with me and understanding what I need to make this work.

Making connections

I am begining to feel overwhelmed. I am not the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am in fact quite the opposite I guard my heart and emotions fiercly. As I have talked with my dad and sisters I have begun to let my guard down. I then remember that that is how I get hurt and throw them back up. I bury what I am feeling to try to keep others from being hurt, I was hurt and can handle it however I do not want to be the cause of anyone elses pain. That is how I have found myself in this dilemma with my brothers and sisters.

I am afraid that me showing up after all these years is going to hurt them. They have been together their whole lives and I am the outsider. I want to learn everything I can about my paternal family but will not let myself be the source of any ones pain. I am struggling with reading the situation and making sure no one is going to get hurt. Here is the problem this whole thing has brought on so many long buried emotions that I am afraid there is no getting around someone being hurt. Now I have to decide if I am willing to let someone else get hurt because I want so bad to know my father.

Growing up I was the protector I am used to taking the brunt of the pain so that others wouldn't have to. Now I find myself trying to protect the feelings of the siblings I have never met. I am new to the equation but am I willing to back off if I have to to protect them? For the first time in my life I don't have the answer. I spent a lot of time wondering where my protector was and when they were gonna step in. I found that protector in God and I have to remember that He is going to show me what to do.

Here's the other problem I am making excuses. I am so afraid that they may reject me that I am preparing myself to run before that happens. When I sit here and let my emotions surface I realize that I am not trying to protect them I am trying to protect myself. I have used the same strategy many times in my life get out before I get hurt. I don't want to do that this time but am so afraid I can see myself as a runner poised on the starting blocks just waiting for the signal to run flat out.

Emotions

I promise I would be a better updater and I intend to keep that promise. Wednesday started out like any other day I got home from church and called my mom when my whole world changed. You all know thats the day I got my dads info so I will skip over that part. I sat there for so long looking at the dry erase calender on the wall in my kitchen where I wrote the phone numbers and email addresses. I felt so confused I had waited so long for this moment but I was also a little mad.

At the worst point of the physical abuse I just wanted my daddy to come and make it all better. Now I find him when I didnt think I really needed him. I thought this is so unfair. I needed him then not now. The first few conversations were great but we managed to keep away from conversation that was too deep. I found it easier and easier to open up and share my feelings with him. I am still a bundle of crazy emotions but I am sorting through them.

I am not the scared little girl anymore but I do need my dad. In these 4 days we have laughed and cried together. We have learned about each other and we have started to knit the broken pieces back together. I dont know how long I will have the fear that he is going to leave again but I know that everyday I will think that less. I am excited and scared when I think about my other siblings I am worried about what they are feeling. This is not going to be easy on anyone involved but I want to leave the least amount of damage in the wake. I will post again soon Have a great day

I know it has been a while since I have been here but I have the bloging urge today. Those of you who have read my previous blogs know my history, but for those who don't here is a brief synopsis. My father left when I was very young. When I was 6 my mom met and married a man. He started out great then things went bad. There was abuse I was put into state custody. In the midst of all this I began drinking doing drugs and making myself throw up. My mom divorced and married again this time to a great guy. Ok so thats the short version if you want more read my other blogs. I have always longed for a father three days ago I got that wish.
My Aunt Becky was on facebook and looked up my dads name and found him. She passed the info on and I started talking to him on facebook. Over the past three days I have talked to my dad combined online and on the phone for over 13 hours. Today we had a breakthrough. The things I dealt with in the past caused me to build barriers around my heart. My dad broke them down with three words well actually six. Please forgive me I love you.
I always wanted two things to hear my dad say I love you and to be held by him. Well I am halfway there. Those words let 25 years of held in tears out and began the healing of a sad little girl. I know that this is going to be a long road and it is not going to be easy to trust but it is begining. I am sitting here at 5 am because I am too happy to sleep. I have never been too happy to sleep only too scared.
I would love to tell all of you that the endings are all going to be happy but I can't. I do not know how this is going to turn out but I do know that I am going to embrace it every step of the way. I will however promise to keep you all updated so you can send your prayers our way. There will be so much to share with you starting with I have more brothers and sisters!!!!! I know I know I am goin to have a hard time keeping up. I have made a start and cant wait to share more. I hope you all have a wonderfull and blessed week.

Time to Reflect

I have been working through the 12-steps in celebrate recovery and let me tell you this has been both the hardest thing I have ever done and the most rewarding. It is time for me to get my past out of the shadows and share with others. My hope is that my testimony will help someone who is going through similar situations.

Ok so here is a brief outline of what made me well me. My biological father left when I was four years old leaving my mom with three little girls and no where to go. We lived with my grandparents while my mom finished nursing school then moved to an apartment. My mom met and married her second husband when I was in kindergarten. My excitement over having a new dad was short lived. Shortly after moving in My step-dad became abusive. At first it was name calling and yelling and as these things progress it turned physical. When I was twelve I started sneaking out of my house and running around with older kids. I started drinking and smoking to be like them. This was when I had my first intimate moment I didn't have a clue what was going on. When I was thirteen I tried marijuana for the first time. My life was out of control I began binging and purging my weight was the one thing I could control.

Shortly after I turned fourteen I told the most amazing teacher I ever had what was going on. Mrs. McKnight was the one person in all this I could trust. just a side note for you teachers when you think you are not reaching a student trust me you do. She asked me what I wanted to do I was floored she did not tell me she was calling child services she did not tell me what to do she just listened. She knew that at that point in my life if she told me what to do I would have run. I cried and told her I had to get out of my house Mrs. McKnight then walked me to the nurses office and held my hand while they called the police and photographed the many bruises on my body. When the police were getting ready to take me me away she handed me a piece of paper with her phone number on it and told me even though I would not be back in her class she wanted me to keep in touch.

The police picked up my two younger sisters and took us to a home for abused and neglected children. My family was separated and I felt extremely guilty for it they took three of us and left my younger brother and little sister in the home with my mom and step-dad. The home was scary and we were there for almost two a year. We were not able to see or talk to my mom during this. When my mom finally got a divorce we moved to a DVIS shelter with her. We were together again but had no where to go. My mom found us a house and the end of my freshman year was spent at a regular high school. Even though life was getting better I had not dealt with my issues I continued to binge and purge and I was drinking and getting high every weekend.

I was put into a inpatient facility to help me overcome my addiction and bulimia. Once again I was taken out of regular school and sent away. While I was in this facility my mom met her third husband the man I now call dad. He is a baptist minister and led me to Christ. My junior year My mom married and we moved to Catoosa. I was not binging anymore and I was not getting high. However I was binge drinking I thought I was OK I mean I was only drinking sometimes so that's ok right? No its not I was only seventeen and drinking until I passed out my life was better at home but again I had not dealt with my past.

Ok so I have given you the beginning of me there is much more but this is hard and this is all I can handle for one day. Your prayers and support are greatly appreciated I have many fears that revealing my past will make people think less of who I have become. I know that I would not be who I am today if I did not travel the road I did. Have a great day and stay tuned for the second half of my life trust me it is a much happier story.

life happens when you aren't ready

I woke up yesterday morning grumbling about the fact that I had to get out in the snow to go to work. I again let thoughts of how I wouldn't have to do this if my husband didn't have to pay child support. Why do I have to pay for my husbands past mistakes I wasn't there? I felt sorry for myself for a few hours wondering where I was going to find the time after work to get my homework done and take care of my children. I again asked why me. It dawned on me that Christ did what I am doing on a much much larger scale! He was not there the first time I decided to try a little marijuana wait He was there. He didn't make me try it yeah that's better wording. You know when I think of how much I resent the fact that I have to work so hard to pay for the mistakes my spouse made I need to remind myself that Jesus paid a much higher price to pay for my mistakes. Trust me when I say that my mistakes were BIG!
I am a product of a unfortunate past. I know that God was there with me every step of the way otherwise I wouldn't be here now. When I look at my oldest son Dakota I don't see the mistake I made not being married when I got pregnant. How can I then expect my husband to look at his oldest son as a mistake? The road I am on is not an easy one and God shows me everyday his grace I only hope that as I learn these lessons I grow into the woman God sees under all my "stuff".

Finding time

I have recently realized that there are not enough hours in the day. I know it is a little bit cliched but it is the truth. It seems that when I think I have the time managment thing figured out something happens. I am not the most organized person in the world in fact I lose things on a daily basis. so when I sit down to try to get something done sonething else catches my attention. So instead of accomplishing a few things a day I begin many and accomplish almost nothing. I wonder how I manage to keep my head on straight at times. I know that I am not the only person who struggles with this but I am the only one in my house that does. My husband finds my disorganization maddening even my kids roll their eyes when mom is looking for yet another lost item. Thats all I have for today I have to go look for my cell phone.

My first Blog

I have never done this before but thought I would join the crowd and give it a try. I have been journaling for a while and this is another way for me to express my thoughts. A few months ago I was blindsided my husband of eleven years was served with child support papers. I was crushed I didn't know what to do we were already hurting financially and now here was this extra income being taken out. at this time I was only working part time and I was getting ready to start school. But God always has a plan shortly after I was offered a promotion to store manager and accepted to offer. I won't deny that the road is still hard there is now a twelve year old boy in our lives along with his mother. I have never thought of myself as a jealous person but the green monster has reared its ugly head on more than one occasion. Like I said the road is tough but I Can only imagine what is waiting on the other side of this. God has worked wonders in our lives throughout this. At Christmas we were so down my husband and I were fighting everyday and we weren't sure what we were going to get our children for Christmas. I know it is not about the gifts but to go to the store and not have the money to get your children a Christmas gift was devastating. We were able to spend Fifty dollars per child and wondered if it would be good enough. Again God looked out for us A few weeks before Christmas a dear friend from church said that someone wanted to do something for us for Christmas, then another person from church said she thought of my boys as surrogate grand kids and had something for them, then here came a blessing of $100.00 in gift cards to Walmart! The Christmas that almost wasn't turned into the best one ever. You see we all learned a valuable lesson this year, We didn't need all the stuff just knowing there were people who really cared was the best Christmas gift we ever needed.