Making connections

I am begining to feel overwhelmed. I am not the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am in fact quite the opposite I guard my heart and emotions fiercly. As I have talked with my dad and sisters I have begun to let my guard down. I then remember that that is how I get hurt and throw them back up. I bury what I am feeling to try to keep others from being hurt, I was hurt and can handle it however I do not want to be the cause of anyone elses pain. That is how I have found myself in this dilemma with my brothers and sisters.

I am afraid that me showing up after all these years is going to hurt them. They have been together their whole lives and I am the outsider. I want to learn everything I can about my paternal family but will not let myself be the source of any ones pain. I am struggling with reading the situation and making sure no one is going to get hurt. Here is the problem this whole thing has brought on so many long buried emotions that I am afraid there is no getting around someone being hurt. Now I have to decide if I am willing to let someone else get hurt because I want so bad to know my father.

Growing up I was the protector I am used to taking the brunt of the pain so that others wouldn't have to. Now I find myself trying to protect the feelings of the siblings I have never met. I am new to the equation but am I willing to back off if I have to to protect them? For the first time in my life I don't have the answer. I spent a lot of time wondering where my protector was and when they were gonna step in. I found that protector in God and I have to remember that He is going to show me what to do.

Here's the other problem I am making excuses. I am so afraid that they may reject me that I am preparing myself to run before that happens. When I sit here and let my emotions surface I realize that I am not trying to protect them I am trying to protect myself. I have used the same strategy many times in my life get out before I get hurt. I don't want to do that this time but am so afraid I can see myself as a runner poised on the starting blocks just waiting for the signal to run flat out.